Here is a fairly comprehensive list.
Can't really help if any don't work (some may be network/subscription dependant).
Don't blame me if you lock/damage anything whilst trying these 8)
The @ represents pressing the "Send" key on your mobile
**04*oldPIN*newPIN*newPIN#@ changing the PIN-code
**042*oldPIN2*newPIN2*newPIN2#@ changing the PIN2-code
**05*PUK*newPIN*newPIN#@ unlock a card with PIN locked
**052*PUK2*newPIN2*newPIN2#@ PIN2 decoding (after 3x wrong input)
*#06# IMEI Number showing
##002#@ all call diverts off
**004*DestNo#@ set all conditioned call diverts to DestNo on and active
##004#@ all conditioned call diverts (busy, not reachable, no answer) off
**21*DestNo#@ Automatic divert all calls to DestNo on and active
*21#@ Automatic divert all call DestNo activate
##21#@ Automatic divert all calls to DestNo off and inactive
#21#@ Automatic divert all calls to DestNo deactivate
*#21#@ Automatic divert all calls to DestNo status
**61*DestNo#@ Call divert when not answered on and active
*61#@ Call divert activate
##61#@ Call divert when not answered off and inactive
#61#@ Call divert deactivate
*#61#@ Call divert when not answered status
**62*DestNo#@ Call divert if not reachable on and active
*62#@ Call divert activate
##62#@ Call divert if not reachable off and inactive
#62#@ Call divert deactivate
*#62#@ Call divert if not reachable status
**67*DestNo#@ Call divert when busy on and activate
*67#@ Call divert activate
##67#@ Call divert when busy off and inactive
#67# Call divert deactivate
*#67#@ Call divert when busy status
**03*330*oldPW*newPW*newPW#@ Changing the password for call barring
**33*PW#@ Barring all outgoing calls on (PW one row before)
#33*PW#@ Barring all outgoing calls off
*#33#@ Barring all outgoing calls status
**330*PW#@ Barring all calls on
#330*PW#@ Barring all calls off
*#330*PW#@ Barring all calls status
**331*PW#@ Barring all outgoing international calls on
#331*PW#@ Barring all outgoing international calls off
*#331#@ Barring all outgoing international calls status
**332*PW#@ Barring all outgoing international calls except homecountry on
#332*PW#@ Barring all outgoing international calls except homecountry off
*#332#@ Barring all outgoing international calls except homecountry status
**333*PW#@ Barring all outgoing calls on (PW one row before)
#333*PW#@ Barring all outgoing calls off
*#333#@ Barring all outgoing calls status
**35*PW#@ Barring all incoming calls on
#35*PW#@ Barring all incoming calls off
*#35#@ Barring all incoming calls status
**351*PW#@ Barring all incoming calls if abroad on
#351*PW#@ Barring all incoming calls if abroad off
*#351#@ Barring all incoming calls if abroad status
**353*PW#@ Barring all incoming calls on
#353*PW#@ Barring all incoming calls off
*#353#@ Barring all incoming calls status
*43*#@ Call waiting on
#43##@ Call waiting off
*#43#@ Call waiting status
**61*DestNo**Seconds before divert#@ Divert call if not answered for 'seconds' (Note: Seconds must be 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30)
#30#DestNo@ No presentation of the number of the incoming call (CLIP)
*30#DestNo@ Presentation of the number of the incoming call (CLIP)
*#30#@ CLIP status
#31#DestNo@ Your number will not be send for the actual call (CLIR)
*31#DestNo@ Your number will be send for the actual call (CLIR)
*#31#@ CLIR status
*76#@ Presentation of the number under which I reached the other one (not his number if he has turned on a call diversion!) (COLP) on
#76#@ Presentation of the number under which I reached the other one (not his number if he has turned on a call diversion!) (COLP) off
*#76#@ Presentation of the number under which I reached the other one (not his number if he has turned on a call diversion!) (COLP) status
*77#@ Presentation of the number under which the caller has reached me (not my number if I have turned on a call diversion!) (COLR) on
#77#@ Presentation of the number under which the caller has reached me (not my number if I have turned on a call diversion!) (COLR) off
*#77#@ Presentation of the number under which the caller has reached me (not my number if I have turned on a call diversion!) (COLR) status
Monday, September 13, 2010
Monday, February 18, 2008
Lessons in logic
Lessons in Logic
If your father is a poor man,it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man,it's your stupidity.
I was born intelligent -education ruined me.
Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect......so why practice?
If it's true that we are here to help others,then what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound,people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Money is not everything.There's Mastercard & Visa.
One should love animals.They are so tasty.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two
women.
Every man should marry.After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
The wise never marry.and when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrowwhat you can put off today.
"Your future depends on your dreams"So go to sleep .
There should be a better way to start a day Than waking up every morning.
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk .
"Work fascinates me"I can look at it for hours .
God made relatives;Thank God we can choose our friends.
The more you learn, the more you know,The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you knowThe less you know, the less you forget
So.. why learn ;-).
.. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say........
If your father is a poor man,it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man,it's your stupidity.
I was born intelligent -education ruined me.
Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect......so why practice?
If it's true that we are here to help others,then what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound,people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Money is not everything.There's Mastercard & Visa.
One should love animals.They are so tasty.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two
women.
Every man should marry.After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
The wise never marry.and when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrowwhat you can put off today.
"Your future depends on your dreams"So go to sleep .
There should be a better way to start a day Than waking up every morning.
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk .
"Work fascinates me"I can look at it for hours .
God made relatives;Thank God we can choose our friends.
The more you learn, the more you know,The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you knowThe less you know, the less you forget
So.. why learn ;-).
.. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say........
ONE BEDROOM FLAT... WRITTEN BY AN INDIAN SOFTWARE ENGINEER...
- A Bitter Reality
As the dream of most parents I had acquired a degree in SoftwareEngineering and joined a company based in USA, the land of bravesand opportunity. When I arrived in the USA, it was as if a dream hadcome true.
Here at last I was in the place where I want to be. I decided I wouldbe staying in this country for about Five years in which time I wouldhave earned enough money to settle down in India.
My father was a government employee and after his retirement, the onlyasset he could acquire was a decent one bedroom flat.
I wanted to do some thing more than him. I started feeling homesickand lonely as the time passed. I used to call home and speak to myparents every week using cheap international phone cards. Two yearspassed, two years of Burgers at McDonald's and pizzas and discos and2 years watching the foreign exchange rate getting happy whenever theRupee value went down.
Finally I decided to get married. Told my parents that I have only 10days of holidays and everything must be done within these 10 days. Igot my ticket booked in the cheapest flight. Was jubilant and wasactually enjoying hopping for gifts for all my friends back home. IfI miss anyone then there will be talks. After reaching home I spenthome one week going through all the photographs of girls and as thetime was getting shorter I was forced to select one candidate.
In-laws told me, to my surprise, that I would have to get married in2-3 days, as I will not get anymore holidays. After the marriage, itwas time to return to USA, after giving some money to my parents andtelling the neighbors to look after them, we returned to USA.
My wife enjoyed this country for about two months and then she startedfeeling lonely. The frequency of calling Indiaincreased to twice in aweek sometimes 3 times a week. Our savings started diminishing. Aftertwo more years we started to have kids. Two lovely kids, a boy and agirl, were gifted to us by the almighty. Every time I spoke to myparents, they asked me to come to Indiaso that they can see theirgrand-children.
Every year I decide to go to India.. But part work part monetaryconditions prevented it. Years went by and visiting Indiawas adistant dream. Then suddenly one day I got a message that my parentswere seriously sick. I tried but I couldn't get any holidays and thuscould not go to India.. The next message I got was my parents hadpassed away and as there was no one to do the last rights the societymembers had done whatever they could. I was depressed. My parents hadpassed away without seeing their grand children.
After couple more years passed away, much to my children's dislike andmy wife's joy we returned to Indiato settle down. I started to lookfor a suitable property, but to my dismay my savings were short andthe property prices had gone up during all these years. I had toreturn to the USA.
My wife refused to come back with me and my children refused to stayin India. My 2 children and I returned to USAafter promising mywife I would be back for good after two years.
Time passed by, my daughter decided to get married to an American andmy son was happy living in USA. I decided that had enough andwound-up every thing and returned to India. I had just enough moneyto buy a decent 02 bedroom flat in a well-developed locality.
Now I am 60 years old and the only time I go out of the flat is forthe routine visit to the nearby temple. My faithful wife has also leftme and gone to the holy abode.
Sometimes I wondered was it worth all this? My father, even afterstaying in India, had a house to his name and I too have the samenothing more.
I lost my parents and children for just ONE EXTRA BEDROOM.
Looking out from the window I see a lot of children dancing. Thisdamned cable TV has spoiled our new generation and these children arelosing their values and culture because of it. I get occasional cardsfrom my children asking I am alright. Well at least they remember me.
Now perhaps after I die it will be the neighbors again who will beperforming my last rights, God Bless them. But the question stillremains 'was all this worth it?'
I am still searching for an answer................!!!
As the dream of most parents I had acquired a degree in SoftwareEngineering and joined a company based in USA, the land of bravesand opportunity. When I arrived in the USA, it was as if a dream hadcome true.
Here at last I was in the place where I want to be. I decided I wouldbe staying in this country for about Five years in which time I wouldhave earned enough money to settle down in India.
My father was a government employee and after his retirement, the onlyasset he could acquire was a decent one bedroom flat.
I wanted to do some thing more than him. I started feeling homesickand lonely as the time passed. I used to call home and speak to myparents every week using cheap international phone cards. Two yearspassed, two years of Burgers at McDonald's and pizzas and discos and2 years watching the foreign exchange rate getting happy whenever theRupee value went down.
Finally I decided to get married. Told my parents that I have only 10days of holidays and everything must be done within these 10 days. Igot my ticket booked in the cheapest flight. Was jubilant and wasactually enjoying hopping for gifts for all my friends back home. IfI miss anyone then there will be talks. After reaching home I spenthome one week going through all the photographs of girls and as thetime was getting shorter I was forced to select one candidate.
In-laws told me, to my surprise, that I would have to get married in2-3 days, as I will not get anymore holidays. After the marriage, itwas time to return to USA, after giving some money to my parents andtelling the neighbors to look after them, we returned to USA.
My wife enjoyed this country for about two months and then she startedfeeling lonely. The frequency of calling Indiaincreased to twice in aweek sometimes 3 times a week. Our savings started diminishing. Aftertwo more years we started to have kids. Two lovely kids, a boy and agirl, were gifted to us by the almighty. Every time I spoke to myparents, they asked me to come to Indiaso that they can see theirgrand-children.
Every year I decide to go to India.. But part work part monetaryconditions prevented it. Years went by and visiting Indiawas adistant dream. Then suddenly one day I got a message that my parentswere seriously sick. I tried but I couldn't get any holidays and thuscould not go to India.. The next message I got was my parents hadpassed away and as there was no one to do the last rights the societymembers had done whatever they could. I was depressed. My parents hadpassed away without seeing their grand children.
After couple more years passed away, much to my children's dislike andmy wife's joy we returned to Indiato settle down. I started to lookfor a suitable property, but to my dismay my savings were short andthe property prices had gone up during all these years. I had toreturn to the USA.
My wife refused to come back with me and my children refused to stayin India. My 2 children and I returned to USAafter promising mywife I would be back for good after two years.
Time passed by, my daughter decided to get married to an American andmy son was happy living in USA. I decided that had enough andwound-up every thing and returned to India. I had just enough moneyto buy a decent 02 bedroom flat in a well-developed locality.
Now I am 60 years old and the only time I go out of the flat is forthe routine visit to the nearby temple. My faithful wife has also leftme and gone to the holy abode.
Sometimes I wondered was it worth all this? My father, even afterstaying in India, had a house to his name and I too have the samenothing more.
I lost my parents and children for just ONE EXTRA BEDROOM.
Looking out from the window I see a lot of children dancing. Thisdamned cable TV has spoiled our new generation and these children arelosing their values and culture because of it. I get occasional cardsfrom my children asking I am alright. Well at least they remember me.
Now perhaps after I die it will be the neighbors again who will beperforming my last rights, God Bless them. But the question stillremains 'was all this worth it?'
I am still searching for an answer................!!!
Sunday, November 11, 2007
SMS jokes
We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still searching....sorry,NO BRAIN found...!
I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING
All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!
Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.
Bad sex is better then a good day in school.
Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!
Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…
Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams......
My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...
Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…
If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…
Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!
Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry..............
Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?A:About 45 pounds!!
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing?
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat the crap outta him.
I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.
What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle? If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet? The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed? Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? You don't, you've told her twice already!
What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.
What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.
Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.
Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!
What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!
What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.
How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know. Never happens.
Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?
A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?
A: An f****ing know it all.
A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.
What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
My Reality Check bounced.
Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
What do you call a handcuffed man? - Trustworthy.
What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing Plant
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Why don't men often show their true feelings? - Because they don't have any. 1
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? - E.T. phoned home.
What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering
How Dogs and Women are alike..... Neither believe that silence is golden. Neither can balance a checkbook. Both put too much value on kissing.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?
Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.
Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.
A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" - so he gave her one!
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A:About 45 pounds!!
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing?
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat the crap outta him.
I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.
What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle? If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet? The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed? Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
What do Germans use for birth control? Their personalities!
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? You don't, you've told her twice already!
What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? One fucked the miners, the other fucked the Majors
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German? A man who's too drunk to follow orders.
I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
For sale : Air Bags, Used once.
What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.
Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.
What's pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!
What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!
What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.
How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know. Never happens.
Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?
A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?
A: An fucking know it all.
A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.
What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...
Q: How did the Pollack burn his face?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
Q: What's difference between Yogurt and Australia?
A: One has a real live culture.
Q: What's diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag? A: Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. The other you carry groceries in.
Knock! Knock! Who's there? Fanny. Fanny who? Fanny the way you keep saying 'Who's there? Every time I knock. ☻Knock! Knock! Who's There? A midget who cant reach the doorbell.
Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and let me in! ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry, Butch, and Jimmy. Harry, Butch and Jimmy who? Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss. ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive across the road.
Knock! Knock! Who's there? Mummy. Mummy who? Mummeasles are better so can I come in?
Knock! Knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? There's no need to cry, it's only a joke. ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Madam. Madam who? Madam key broke in the lock. ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I called by? ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Atch. Atch who? Bless you. ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Mister. Mister who? Mister last bus home. ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Ivor. Ivor who? Ivor sore hand from knocking so much. ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? York. York who? York coming over to my place tonight? ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Isabel. Isabel who? Isabel broken? I had to knock. ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it's cold out here. ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Grandma. Knock! Knock! Who's there? Grandma. Knock! Knock! Who's there? Grandma. Knock! Knock! Who's there? Aunt. Aunt who? Aunt you glad Grandma's gone? ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Doris. Doris who? Doris locked - that's why I knocked.
friendship is like peeing in your pants. every1 can c it but only u can feel its true warmth.thank u 4 being the pee in my pants xxxx
(_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse (_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!
He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!
Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be cool to have a small penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!!
Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!
T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network
I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day!
I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING
All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!
Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.
Bad sex is better then a good day in school.
Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!
Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…
Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams......
My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...
Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…
If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…
Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!
Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry..............
Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?A:About 45 pounds!!
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing?
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat the crap outta him.
I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.
What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle? If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet? The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed? Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? You don't, you've told her twice already!
What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.
What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.
Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.
Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!
What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!
What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.
How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know. Never happens.
Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?
A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?
A: An f****ing know it all.
A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.
What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
My Reality Check bounced.
Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
What do you call a handcuffed man? - Trustworthy.
What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing Plant
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Why don't men often show their true feelings? - Because they don't have any. 1
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? - E.T. phoned home.
What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering
How Dogs and Women are alike..... Neither believe that silence is golden. Neither can balance a checkbook. Both put too much value on kissing.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?
Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.
Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.
A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" - so he gave her one!
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A:About 45 pounds!!
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing?
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat the crap outta him.
I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.
What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle? If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet? The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed? Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
What do Germans use for birth control? Their personalities!
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? You don't, you've told her twice already!
What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? One fucked the miners, the other fucked the Majors
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German? A man who's too drunk to follow orders.
I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
For sale : Air Bags, Used once.
What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.
Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.
What's pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!
What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!
What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.
How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know. Never happens.
Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?
A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?
A: An fucking know it all.
A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.
What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...
Q: How did the Pollack burn his face?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
Q: What's difference between Yogurt and Australia?
A: One has a real live culture.
Q: What's diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag? A: Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. The other you carry groceries in.
Knock! Knock! Who's there? Fanny. Fanny who? Fanny the way you keep saying 'Who's there? Every time I knock. ☻Knock! Knock! Who's There? A midget who cant reach the doorbell.
Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and let me in! ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry, Butch, and Jimmy. Harry, Butch and Jimmy who? Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss. ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive across the road.
Knock! Knock! Who's there? Mummy. Mummy who? Mummeasles are better so can I come in?
Knock! Knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? There's no need to cry, it's only a joke. ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Madam. Madam who? Madam key broke in the lock. ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I called by? ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Atch. Atch who? Bless you. ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Mister. Mister who? Mister last bus home. ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Ivor. Ivor who? Ivor sore hand from knocking so much. ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? York. York who? York coming over to my place tonight? ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Isabel. Isabel who? Isabel broken? I had to knock. ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it's cold out here. ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Grandma. Knock! Knock! Who's there? Grandma. Knock! Knock! Who's there? Grandma. Knock! Knock! Who's there? Aunt. Aunt who? Aunt you glad Grandma's gone? ☻Knock! Knock! Who's there? Doris. Doris who? Doris locked - that's why I knocked.
friendship is like peeing in your pants. every1 can c it but only u can feel its true warmth.thank u 4 being the pee in my pants xxxx
(_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse (_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!
He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!
Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be cool to have a small penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!!
Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!
T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network
I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day!
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Mural paintings
Kerala has a tradition in the field of painting as is evidenced by the murals in temples, palaces and churches. The murals of Tirunandikkara (now in Kanyakumari district) and Tiruvanchikulam are reckoned as the earliest specimens of Kerala painting. These have been assigned to the period from the 9th to the 12th century A.D. Most of the murals now seen in Kerala temples belong to the period from 15th century onwards.One can say that the tradition of painting on walls began in Kerala with the pre-historic rock paintings found in the Anjanad valley of Idukki
district. Archaeologists presume that these paintings belong to different periods from upper Paleolithic period to early historic period. Rock engravings dating to the Mesolithic period have also been discovered in two regions of Kerala, at Edakkal in Wayanad and at Perumkadavila in Tiruvananthapuram district.It is not difficult to trace the roots of the Kerala mural styles to the more ancient Dravidian art of Kalamezhuthu. This was a much more fully developed art form connected with religious rituals. It was a ritual art of sprinkling and filling up different colour powders inside outlines sketched with the powder.
The roots of the extant mural tradition of Kerala could be traced as far back as the seventh and eighth century A.D. It is not unlikely that the early Kerala murals along with its architecture came heavily under the influence of Pallava art. The oldest murals in Kerala were discovered in the rock-cut cave temple of Thirunandikkara, which is now in the Kanyakumari District of Tamil Nadu.
The hall of the cave must have once been richly decorated with paintings. However at present only sketchy outlines have survived the passage of years. The paintings that were here were executed in all probability in the ninth or tenth century A.D. Apart from this there are no other paintings that can be dated to the period between the ninth and the thirteenth century A.D. However a tenth century inscription of Goda Ravi Varman found in the Nedumpuram Tali temple in Trissoor district
mentions the wages that were paid to mural painters.A Portuguese traveller, Castaneda, who had accompanied Vasco-da-Gama in his voyages to India, has recorded their experience of walking into a Hindu temple under the mistaken notion that it was a native church. On entering they noticed "monstrous looking images' some of which had four arms painted on the walls.
To the travellers the images seemed like the pictures of devils which raised doubts among them whether they were actually in a Christian church. In all probability the European navigators must have stepped into a Bhagawati temple that was situated somewhere between Kappad and Kozhikode.
The churches of Kerala contain paintings which depict characters and scenes from Christian mythology. The paintings of Virgin Mary in the churches at Edappalli and Vechur are of deep religious significance to the devotees. The Orthodox Syrian churches at Cheppad at Mulanthuruthi contain interesting murals. The outer walls of the Kanjur church have a huge mural which depicts the scene of a battle fought between the armies of Tipu Sultan on the one side and those of the English East India Company, aided by the bare - footed local militia, on the other.
Archaeological evidences point to the period from the mid-sixteenth century onwards as the most prolific period of mural art of Kerala. Srikumara's Silparatna, a sixteenth century sanskrit text on painting and related subjects must have been enormously useful to contemporary and later artists. This treatise has been acclaimed as a rare work on the techniques of Indian art, the like of which has not been published before or after. It discusses all aspects of painting, aesthetic as well as technical and it is greatly useful in understanding the later medieval murals of Kerala.
The subjects for murals were derived from religious texts. Palace and temple murals were peopled with highly stylised pictures of gods and goddesses of the Hindu pantheon. It was not a fanciful representation but drawn from the descriptions in the invocatory verses or 'dhyana slokas'. Flora and fauna and other aspects of nature were also pictured as backdrops in highly stylized forms.
The murals of Kanthaloor temple in Tiruvananthapuram district (thirteenth century) and those at Pardhivapuram (Kanyakumari district) and Trivikramapuram in Tiruvananthapuram (fourteenth century) are the oldest extant temple frescoes of Kerala. Representing the prolific period of mural art viz. the period between the fourteenth and sixteenth centuries A.D. are the Ramayana murals of Mattancherry Palace and the paintings in the temples like Trissoor Vadakkumnatha temple, Chemmanthitta Siva temple and those at Kudamaloor and Thodeekkalam in Kannur district. They represent a latter phase in the evolution of medieval mural tradition. Likewise the wall paintings at Panayannarkavu, Trichakrapuram, Panjal Kottakkal as well as those in Padmanabhapuram and Krishnapuram palaces, Kayamklulam and those in the inner chambers and the lower floor of Mattancherry palace, represent a much later period in the evolution of medieval mural tradition.
A close study of the mural art of Kerala will prove to be valuable in understanding the state's art and cultural tradition. It was a tradition that was not averse to incorporate the best of the diverse cultural and aesthetic influences that it was open to. But alongside it was also able to retain and preserve its own individuality.
The state of Kerala holds the second place in having the largest collection of archaeologically important mural sites, the first being Rajasthan. The mural tradition of Kerala evolved as a complement to her unique architectural style. According to
The palaces at Padmanabhapuram, Krishnapuram Palace, Kayamkulam and Mattancheri are the important sites of Kerala Murals. The temples at Panayannarkavu, Pundareekapuram, Pandavam, Trissoor, Chemmanthitta, Kaliampally and Thodeekkalm are equally famous for its frescoes. The church frescoes have paid more attention to a more or less realistic representation of human anatomy. The churches at Cheppad, Akapparambu and Ankamali are important for their old wall-paintings.
The most significant draw back of the Kerala mural tradition was that it confined itself with in the stipulations of Icnography. However no other mural tradition has been able to match the linear accuracy of Kerala murals.
PADMANABHAPURAM MURALS
This Magnificent palce is also a splendid example of native architecture at its best. And it has utilized the plenitude and excellence of Kerala wood. If one wishes to experience the grandeur of carved wood, Padmanabhapuram is just the place. Padmanabhapuram now in the Kanyakumari district of Tamil Nadu is about 65 Kms to the south of Thiruvananthapuram. A slight detour from the national highway running through Thiruvananthapuram and Nagarcoil will bring you to this old palace enclosed with in a four kilometer perimeter of a huge granite wall. The reign of Marthanda Varma, the most powerful of the Thiruvithamkur Kings (1729-1758), was also the most glorious period in Padmanabhapuram history. It was Marthanda Varma, the maker of modern Thiruvithamkur , who gave the palace and its surroundings the present name of Padmanabhapuram or the abode of Padmanabha. This was around 1744, before which the place was known as Kalkulam.
Murals decorate the inner walls of the room. These paintings depict gods and goddesses of the Hindu pantheon and are intended to create a congenial atmosphere for meditation. On the western and eastern walls, the two paintings of Anantha Padmanabha from the central theme. And both these paintings were held in reverence since it was believed to be sanctified by the presence of the particular deity.
Murals decorate the inner walls of the room. These paintings depict gods and goddesses of the Hindu pantheon and are intended to create a congenial atmosphere for meditation. On the western and eastern walls, the two paintings of Anantha Padmanabha from the central theme. And both these paintings were held in reverence since it was believed to be sanctified by the presence of the particular deity.
GAJENDRA MOKSHA OF KRISHNAPURAM
Kayamkulam Kottaram ( Krishnapuram Palace) was constructed the reign of Marthanda Varma (1729-58), the king of east while Travancore . This Palace is noted for its peculiar architectural style, which is a typical 'Pathinarukettu'. Besides it is the miniature Padmanabhapuram Palace. The head quarters of Travancore. This Palace is also noted for 'Gajendra Moksham', the largest single panel of mural painting found in Kerala.
The Bhagavata describes Gajendra Moksha as one of the most important exploits of Lord Visnu. A great devotee of Vishnu, King Indrayumna, was cursed by Saga Agastya to be reborn as an elephant. The sage’s words proved true and indrayumna was reborn as Gajendra or the king of elephants. One day as he stepped in to a lake to drink his fill, he was caught by a crocodile. Though he fought he fought to shake it off with all his might the crocodile only tightened its grip. The story runs that Gajendra remained thus for many years. Finally in great despair, he cried piteously to the Lord to help him. Hearing his entreaties Vishnu descended expeditiously from heaven on the back of garuda, his celestial transport.
Gajendra Moksha was a favourite theme of Indian sculptors and artists. Excellent sculptures on the above theme with minor deviations are to be found at Barhhut and Deogath (Uttar Pradesh) and at the three Pattadakkal temples of Karnataka.
The Bhagavata describes Gajendra Moksha as one of the most important exploits of Lord Visnu. A great devotee of Vishnu, King Indrayumna, was cursed by Saga Agastya to be reborn as an elephant. The sage’s words proved true and indrayumna was reborn as Gajendra or the king of elephants. One day as he stepped in to a lake to drink his fill, he was caught by a crocodile. Though he fought he fought to shake it off with all his might the crocodile only tightened its grip. The story runs that Gajendra remained thus for many years. Finally in great despair, he cried piteously to the Lord to help him. Hearing his entreaties Vishnu descended expeditiously from heaven on the back of garuda, his celestial transport.
Gajendra Moksha was a favourite theme of Indian sculptors and artists. Excellent sculptures on the above theme with minor deviations are to be found at Barhhut and Deogath (Uttar Pradesh) and at the three Pattadakkal temples of Karnataka.
PANAYANNARKAVU MURALS
Panayannarkavu is one of those few temples in the state where the Sapta Matas or the Seven Mother Goddesses are worshipped as the presiding power. Chamundi, the fiercest of them all, gets the predominant place as Kali. There is also a temple of Siva in the premises. Situated in a lauxuriant grove near Parumala and girdled by a tributary of Pampa, this apparently modest temple is only about two miles from Mannar, a Village well known for its bell metal lamps and vessels. .
The shrine of the Sapta Matas is rectangular in structure. Murals are painted along all the available wall space. Probably these were done at the transitional phase of Vaishnavite influence on Saktheya cult. Vaishnavism helped to alleviate the fearsomeness of the tantric rituals once practiced here. How ever the murals on the front of the shrine and also those around the square shrine of Siva were painted much later, Presumably after the transition was complete. Like elsewhere the subjects of the frescoes were inspired by stories and episodes from the Devi Mahatyam, the Saiva Vaishnava Purnas and the Bhagavata.
The murals of Panayannarkavu are notable for their linear accuracy and agreeable color combinations. It is a little difficult to date these paintings. We can however presume that these frescoes were done in two phases. The murals around the small rectangular chief shrine were in all probability the earliest paintings. The paintings on the square shrine were completed later, presumably during the closing years of the reign of the King of Chirava a branch of the Odanadu Royal House, it was during this time that Vaishnava cult assimilated Sakti worship to effect a more colorful ritualistic pattern.
The shrine of the Sapta Matas is rectangular in structure. Murals are painted along all the available wall space. Probably these were done at the transitional phase of Vaishnavite influence on Saktheya cult. Vaishnavism helped to alleviate the fearsomeness of the tantric rituals once practiced here. How ever the murals on the front of the shrine and also those around the square shrine of Siva were painted much later, Presumably after the transition was complete. Like elsewhere the subjects of the frescoes were inspired by stories and episodes from the Devi Mahatyam, the Saiva Vaishnava Purnas and the Bhagavata.
The murals of Panayannarkavu are notable for their linear accuracy and agreeable color combinations. It is a little difficult to date these paintings. We can however presume that these frescoes were done in two phases. The murals around the small rectangular chief shrine were in all probability the earliest paintings. The paintings on the square shrine were completed later, presumably during the closing years of the reign of the King of Chirava a branch of the Odanadu Royal House, it was during this time that Vaishnava cult assimilated Sakti worship to effect a more colorful ritualistic pattern.
ETTUMANOOR MURALS
When you travel eleven Kilometres to the north of Kottayam town you will reach Ettumanoor and its centuries-old temple of Siva. The small town has all the noise and bustle of any small provincial town. But as one travels northwards on the main highway the ambience of the temple infuses a rare kind of peace.
Ettumanoor Temple is also a museum of rare and beautiful works of art and sculptures in wood and stone.
The late Ananda Coomaramaswami in “An introduction to Indian Art” (1913) had pointed out that the Nataraja paintings is the only extant specimen of the old Dravidian style of painting. “.. of Dravidian painting the only old example to which I can refer is the fine eight-armed Nataraja fresco of the Siva temple at Ettumnanoor in North Thiruvithamkur, but no systematic search for paintings has been made in the older parts and on the more neglected surfaces or Thiruvithamkur and other southern temples”. Stella Kramrisch the late art historian and art critic was quite poetic in her appraisal”. Like a gigantic butterfly caught in a stained glass window and transformed in to its luminosity is the shape of the dancing Siva”. Coomaraswami’s claim that the Ettumanoor murals are the earliest example of Dravidian mural art, stands disputed since the discovery of the paintings of chittanavasal and Kanchepuram (7 th Century)
Ettumanoor Temple is also a museum of rare and beautiful works of art and sculptures in wood and stone.
The late Ananda Coomaramaswami in “An introduction to Indian Art” (1913) had pointed out that the Nataraja paintings is the only extant specimen of the old Dravidian style of painting. “.. of Dravidian painting the only old example to which I can refer is the fine eight-armed Nataraja fresco of the Siva temple at Ettumnanoor in North Thiruvithamkur, but no systematic search for paintings has been made in the older parts and on the more neglected surfaces or Thiruvithamkur and other southern temples”. Stella Kramrisch the late art historian and art critic was quite poetic in her appraisal”. Like a gigantic butterfly caught in a stained glass window and transformed in to its luminosity is the shape of the dancing Siva”. Coomaraswami’s claim that the Ettumanoor murals are the earliest example of Dravidian mural art, stands disputed since the discovery of the paintings of chittanavasal and Kanchepuram (7 th Century)
PUNDAREEKAPURAM MURALS
Pundareekapuram is a small temple atop a little rise called Midayikunnam near Thalayolaparampu in Kottayam. Architecturally it is not very different from any typical village temple of Kerala. A tiled and saddle roofed square “cuttampalam”encloses a square sanctum sanctorum. Appended to the square enclosure is a small ‘balikkalpura’. The idol worshipped here is the image of Vishnu sitting astride his celestial vehicle Garuda together with Bhoodevi. This is a rare icon.
There’s a fine picture of Siva and Parvathi sitting beneath the Kalpavriksha; a powerful picture of Durga vanquishing the buffalo-headed demon Mahisha, the pranks of Krishna the divine boy of Ambadi; a picture of a Yakshi the dangerous seductress of legends; Rama Pattabhishekham or the coronation of Sri Rama; Siva Thandava and a picture of Sastha astride a horse to point out a few of the striking paintings at Pundareekapuram.
Since the temple is tucked away in off rarely trodden village road, these paintings have for long remained relatively obscure. But these murals, no doubt can hold their own against the better known wall-paintings of Padmanabhapuram and Mattancheri Palaces. In all probability these murals were painted during the later half of the 18 th century.
Another characteristic of the Pundareekapuram paintings and Kerala murals in general are the boldness and accuracy of the lines which give a unique force to the paintings.
There’s a fine picture of Siva and Parvathi sitting beneath the Kalpavriksha; a powerful picture of Durga vanquishing the buffalo-headed demon Mahisha, the pranks of Krishna the divine boy of Ambadi; a picture of a Yakshi the dangerous seductress of legends; Rama Pattabhishekham or the coronation of Sri Rama; Siva Thandava and a picture of Sastha astride a horse to point out a few of the striking paintings at Pundareekapuram.
Since the temple is tucked away in off rarely trodden village road, these paintings have for long remained relatively obscure. But these murals, no doubt can hold their own against the better known wall-paintings of Padmanabhapuram and Mattancheri Palaces. In all probability these murals were painted during the later half of the 18 th century.
Another characteristic of the Pundareekapuram paintings and Kerala murals in general are the boldness and accuracy of the lines which give a unique force to the paintings.
MATTANCHERI MURALS
Mattancheri in Kochi has a distinct smell of trade and commerce even today. The passage of the years has only retouched her trading face. Large godowns still stand in and around the quayside.
Mattancheri had also been a former capital of the erstwhile rulers of Kochi. When the ‘adventurers from over the seas’ came to Kochi seeking trade, Mattancheri also bustled as a brisk trading port. First the Portuguese and later the Dutch beguiled rulers with gold and gifts in exchange for spices especially black pepper.
Mattancheri is an artist’s delight. For here are some very beautiful frescoes. The walls of some of the palace champers are adorned with paintings done in the traditional mural style of Kerala.
Ramayana MuralsThe paintings cover a wide range of themes from the Puthrakameshti Yagam to Rama’s return to Ayodya after vanquishing King Ravana of Lanka. The northern part of the eastern walkl crowded with scence from the early chapters of the story of Rama. The bearded king Dasaratha is seen conferring with his minister, Sumantra, Rishisringa the deerheaded sage performing the Yagam or ritual sacrifice, Dasaratha handing out the divine ‘Prasadam’ to his consorts are the other main paintings here.
Murals in the Staircase RoomThe themes are several and various in this room which measures 18 feet by 17 feet. The paintings include a family portrait of Siva, Vishnu in his Sankarshana form, Adhanariswara or Siva as half-male and half-female, the coronation of Rama, Kirata-Shiva, Anantashayanam, few themes from the Devi Mahathmyam, paintings of the ten incarnations of Vishnu and also an unfinished painting of Vishnu.
Painting in the lower chambers The most beautiful frescoes of Mattancheri are doubtless the murals in these rooms. The main theme is the nuptial of Shiva and Parvati. These paintings are only outline sketches in ochre.
The Bhagavatham paintings of the bed chamber of the bed chamber and the paintings in the staircase room werte in all probability done at the end of the 17 th century of later by an inferior artist.
Mattancheri had also been a former capital of the erstwhile rulers of Kochi. When the ‘adventurers from over the seas’ came to Kochi seeking trade, Mattancheri also bustled as a brisk trading port. First the Portuguese and later the Dutch beguiled rulers with gold and gifts in exchange for spices especially black pepper.
Mattancheri is an artist’s delight. For here are some very beautiful frescoes. The walls of some of the palace champers are adorned with paintings done in the traditional mural style of Kerala.
Ramayana MuralsThe paintings cover a wide range of themes from the Puthrakameshti Yagam to Rama’s return to Ayodya after vanquishing King Ravana of Lanka. The northern part of the eastern walkl crowded with scence from the early chapters of the story of Rama. The bearded king Dasaratha is seen conferring with his minister, Sumantra, Rishisringa the deerheaded sage performing the Yagam or ritual sacrifice, Dasaratha handing out the divine ‘Prasadam’ to his consorts are the other main paintings here.
Murals in the Staircase RoomThe themes are several and various in this room which measures 18 feet by 17 feet. The paintings include a family portrait of Siva, Vishnu in his Sankarshana form, Adhanariswara or Siva as half-male and half-female, the coronation of Rama, Kirata-Shiva, Anantashayanam, few themes from the Devi Mahathmyam, paintings of the ten incarnations of Vishnu and also an unfinished painting of Vishnu.
Painting in the lower chambers The most beautiful frescoes of Mattancheri are doubtless the murals in these rooms. The main theme is the nuptial of Shiva and Parvati. These paintings are only outline sketches in ochre.
The Bhagavatham paintings of the bed chamber of the bed chamber and the paintings in the staircase room werte in all probability done at the end of the 17 th century of later by an inferior artist.
KOTTACKAL MURALS
Kottackal owes its fame today as onne of the chief centres of Ayurvedic treatment. But formely it was better known as an important eastern principality of the Zamorins of Kozhikode3. Before it became the eastern seat of the Zamorins, this area was governed by Karuvayoor Mosos as a representative of the King of Valluvanad.
The date of paintings, the names of the artists who painted them and their patron are all inscribed on the southern side of the shrine. According to the inscription these murals were painted in the period between 1041 and 1053 of the Malayalam Era (1866-1878)
There are about 40 paintings here. While some subjects cover the entire length of the walls, a few are painted in a miniature fashion divided and contained in upper and lower panels. The most remarkable qualities of several of these paintings are its eye-catching colors and clear, firm lines. A closer scrutiny will reveal the iconographical standards adhered to in the creation of these godly figures. The selection of subjects and the manner pasteurization bespeak its influence and precedence. It was a product of the Shaktheya cult that had imbibed a synthesis of Saivism and Vaishnavism.
One can easily notice two separate styles of painting at Kottackal. Richness of colors used and the bold and accurate lines the paintings are the hallmarks of the two styles. If forced to evaluate the relative merits of the two styles the sure touch of a master-artist is obvious in the former, whereas the colors are fresh and sparkling. This is so because the pictures are extremely good from the point of view of lines as well. The pictures of Siva and Mohini, Garuda Shakti, Lord Varaha holding goddess Earth are good examples to illustrate this.
The date of paintings, the names of the artists who painted them and their patron are all inscribed on the southern side of the shrine. According to the inscription these murals were painted in the period between 1041 and 1053 of the Malayalam Era (1866-1878)
There are about 40 paintings here. While some subjects cover the entire length of the walls, a few are painted in a miniature fashion divided and contained in upper and lower panels. The most remarkable qualities of several of these paintings are its eye-catching colors and clear, firm lines. A closer scrutiny will reveal the iconographical standards adhered to in the creation of these godly figures. The selection of subjects and the manner pasteurization bespeak its influence and precedence. It was a product of the Shaktheya cult that had imbibed a synthesis of Saivism and Vaishnavism.
One can easily notice two separate styles of painting at Kottackal. Richness of colors used and the bold and accurate lines the paintings are the hallmarks of the two styles. If forced to evaluate the relative merits of the two styles the sure touch of a master-artist is obvious in the former, whereas the colors are fresh and sparkling. This is so because the pictures are extremely good from the point of view of lines as well. The pictures of Siva and Mohini, Garuda Shakti, Lord Varaha holding goddess Earth are good examples to illustrate this.
CHURCH FRESCOES IN KERALA
The Syond of Diamper in 1599 had decreed the need for decorating churches with paintings as well as images. A very common feature of churches is the paintings in oils on the wooden screens in the altar. Frescoes, if any, invariably decorated the walls around the altar. Murals on the roof above the altar also were not very rare.
If Christian frescoes painters seemed to have paid more attention to a more or less realistic representation of the human anatomy, temple muralists delighted in presenting a highly imaginative and idealistic notion of person and things.
The Church at CheppadThe St.George’s Orthodox Church at Cheppad in Kayamkulm, Alappuzha is believed to have been constructed partially with portions of an old 13 th century church at Haripad.
The forty nine odd frescoes in this are fine examples of the Christian mural art of the early medieval period. They can be dated as earlier than those at Vallom, Kanjoor or Koratty churches.
The Themes are all Biblical ranging from the annunciation of Mary, Jesus’ birth, the flight unto Egypt, the Last Supper and pictures of the Crucified Christ. How ever the most remarkable ones here ere those of Noah and his Ark, Judas’ betrayal of Christ and Jesus with his disciples.
Mar Sabore and Afroth Church.The centuries old Syrian-Jacobite church is situated at Akapparambu near Ankamali(Eranakulam). The present Church is only a replacement or perhaps and enlargement of the ancient structure.
On the upper halves of the walls around the alter are some remarkable beautiful frescoes, surely the best example of church murals of Kerala.
Satan tempting Eve in the Garden of Eden, Prophet Elijah handing over his mantle to Elisha before ascending to heaven, mosses on mount Sinai with the tablet of the ten commandments, Sabore and Afroth engaged in theological arguments with Namboothiri Brahmins are among the Interest murals here.
St.Mary’s Church, Kanjoor There are two large frescoes on either side of the main door of the church.Apart from this there are several oil paintings around the alter. The two frescoes are commemoration of the defeat of tippu’s marauding army when it sought to plunder the church in 1790. While one mural has captured the fierce and bloody encounter between tippu’s troops and the combined forces of British cannons and native infantry, the other is a victory march of the letter. Grue some details like a corpse of one of the marauders pitch forked at the end of a British bayonet bring out the horror and the mercilessness of war. This fresco is thus significant from a historical perspective also
Kottayam Cheriyapalli This is an old church tucked one and a half kms from the centre of Kottayam town. The church and surrounding places are steeped in history being in the times of the Thekkumkoor kings.
Cheriyapalli has some fairly large comparatively fine murals. There is a painting of the last Supper, Judas accepting the silver for his betrayal, Jesus’ disciples waiting for him in the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus being whipped and dragged publicly. His trial, Pontius Pilate, washing his hands after condemning Christ to the cross, the Crucifixion, the Virgin Mother with the body of Christ on her lap and Christ’s ascension are the other frescoes here. But here what we cannot help noticing is the color of Christ’s robe, which is ochre rather than white. Ochre in Hindu concept is a color related to mysticism and spirituality.
Other churches in Kerala that have old frescoes include St.Antony’s Ferona church at Olloor, St.Marys Churches at Thrissur and Koratty, the oldSyrian Church at Kandamattom and the Paliyakkara church at Thiruvalla.
If Christian frescoes painters seemed to have paid more attention to a more or less realistic representation of the human anatomy, temple muralists delighted in presenting a highly imaginative and idealistic notion of person and things.
The Church at CheppadThe St.George’s Orthodox Church at Cheppad in Kayamkulm, Alappuzha is believed to have been constructed partially with portions of an old 13 th century church at Haripad.
The forty nine odd frescoes in this are fine examples of the Christian mural art of the early medieval period. They can be dated as earlier than those at Vallom, Kanjoor or Koratty churches.
The Themes are all Biblical ranging from the annunciation of Mary, Jesus’ birth, the flight unto Egypt, the Last Supper and pictures of the Crucified Christ. How ever the most remarkable ones here ere those of Noah and his Ark, Judas’ betrayal of Christ and Jesus with his disciples.
Mar Sabore and Afroth Church.The centuries old Syrian-Jacobite church is situated at Akapparambu near Ankamali(Eranakulam). The present Church is only a replacement or perhaps and enlargement of the ancient structure.
On the upper halves of the walls around the alter are some remarkable beautiful frescoes, surely the best example of church murals of Kerala.
Satan tempting Eve in the Garden of Eden, Prophet Elijah handing over his mantle to Elisha before ascending to heaven, mosses on mount Sinai with the tablet of the ten commandments, Sabore and Afroth engaged in theological arguments with Namboothiri Brahmins are among the Interest murals here.
St.Mary’s Church, Kanjoor There are two large frescoes on either side of the main door of the church.Apart from this there are several oil paintings around the alter. The two frescoes are commemoration of the defeat of tippu’s marauding army when it sought to plunder the church in 1790. While one mural has captured the fierce and bloody encounter between tippu’s troops and the combined forces of British cannons and native infantry, the other is a victory march of the letter. Grue some details like a corpse of one of the marauders pitch forked at the end of a British bayonet bring out the horror and the mercilessness of war. This fresco is thus significant from a historical perspective also
Kottayam Cheriyapalli This is an old church tucked one and a half kms from the centre of Kottayam town. The church and surrounding places are steeped in history being in the times of the Thekkumkoor kings.
Cheriyapalli has some fairly large comparatively fine murals. There is a painting of the last Supper, Judas accepting the silver for his betrayal, Jesus’ disciples waiting for him in the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus being whipped and dragged publicly. His trial, Pontius Pilate, washing his hands after condemning Christ to the cross, the Crucifixion, the Virgin Mother with the body of Christ on her lap and Christ’s ascension are the other frescoes here. But here what we cannot help noticing is the color of Christ’s robe, which is ochre rather than white. Ochre in Hindu concept is a color related to mysticism and spirituality.
Other churches in Kerala that have old frescoes include St.Antony’s Ferona church at Olloor, St.Marys Churches at Thrissur and Koratty, the oldSyrian Church at Kandamattom and the Paliyakkara church at Thiruvalla.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Sardar jokes
Sardar jokes are common these days.Here are a collection of few ones....
may be seen on other sites also!!!
Santa Singh was traveling by train without a ticket. When he saw the
T.C (Banta singh) coming he thought of an excuse which he had heard
from other people, that is, ministers can travel free. So when Banta
came and asked Santa for his ticket, he said ‘Oye! asi minister’ (I'm a
minister). Banta asked him ‘Oye! tusi kade Minister’ (which minister).
Santa couldn’t think of any minister except Mrs. Indira Gandhi, so he
said ‘Oy! asi Indira Gandhi’. Immediately Banta caught Santa's feet for
blessing and said ‘Oye! asi bauth sunya, Oye! asi bauth padya, aaj dhek
leya’(I heard a lot about you, I read a lot about you and my luck, I
saw you today).
One day, Banta goes to the clinic, and he finds his friend Santa
crying.Banta: Santa, Why are you crying?Santa: The doctors are going to take my blood test by cutting my
finger.After hearing this Banta also starts crying.Santa: Banta, why are you crying?Banta: I'm here for urine test!
One day, Banta, along with his two friends, one being Polish and the
other being an American go to the police station to get jobs as cops.
However, they would have to answer only one question. The Polish person
goes into the room.Detective: Who killed Jesus?Polish: The Catholics.Detective: Good answer. In an hour or so, we'll tell you if you got the
job.The American goes next.Detective: Who killed Jesus?American: The Jews.Detective: Good answer. In an hour or so, we'll tell you if you got the
job.Banta is next.Detective: Who killed Jesus?Banta: You have to give me more time. Can I tell you tomorrow?Detective: Sure, take as much time as you want.Banta then goes home and he finds his wife making dinner.Wife: How did your interview go, sweetheart.Banta: It went very well. I'm on my very first murder case.
Santa Singh and Banta Singh were sitting on a tree and Santa Singh was
singing a song.After 4 songs Santa Singh hung himself upside down and
started singing again.Banta Singh : Santa Singh, what is the matter with you? Why are you
hanging upside down?Santa Singh : I am singing the B side.
Santa, Banta, and one of their friends, Munnabhai, were stranded on an
uninhabited island. The only way back home was to swim 100 miles to the
next island, which was inhabited. Munnabhai was so determined to get
home that he tried to swim. He swam upto 50 miles, got tired, and
drowned. Then Banta tried. He swam upto 75 miles, but got tired and
drowned, too. Santa thought he could make it all the way, so he started
swimming. He swam 50 miles, but started getting tired, so he swam all
the way back to the island.
Santasigh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every
thing except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, one of
his non-sardar friends came home.Friend: Santasighji How is your MBA preparation?SantaSingh: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.Friend: Logic is very easy.Santasigh: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.Friend: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?Santa: YES.Friend: Logically, there will be water in it.Santa: YES.Friend: Logically, there will be fish in it.Santa: YES.Friend: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.Santa: YES.Friend: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.Santa: YES.Friend: so, logically, your are married.Santa: YES.Friend: So, that means you are a heterosexual.Santasigh was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees
Bantasingh and he was also preparing for MBA.Santa: How is your MBA preparation?Banta: Everything is fine except for the logic.Santa: Oh, logic is easy.Banta: Please, give me an example.Santa: Do you have a fish pot in your house?Banta: NO, I don't.Santa: Saala HOMO!!!
One fine day a girl proposed to a sardar and the sardar denied simply
saying that in our family we marry only our relatives my mom married my
dad, my brother married my bhabhi, my uncle married my aunt and so on.
so please excuse me !!!!!
Once Santa Singh was filling up an application form for a job. He
promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then he came
to the column SEX. He was not sure as to what was to be filled there.
After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK. On seeing this in his
application form, he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it
to be filled was either MALE or FEMALE. Again Santa thought for a long
time before coming up with an answer PREFERABLY FEMALES.
Once a sardarji receives a love letter from his beloved. Being an
illeterate he cannot read the letter. So keeping that letter for him
for weeks,months and years he thought how to read the letter. He
thought and thought and thought and this sardarji being a little
intelligent fellow finally he got an idea that he can go with that
letter to his friend and ask his friend to read that letter for him. So
he made all the plans to reach his friend. Finally he reached his
friend's house on one fine morning and he explains all the story, but
still he does not want his friend to know what that letter contains(the
letter being very personal and meant for only to the sardarji), so
again he thought and thought and thought for one week and finally he
got an idea.......So this was the situation what our GREAT FRIEND
SARDARJI was in...can u just guess what he is going to do with his
final idea....?????(Ans): He just closes his friend's EARS while his friend is going to
read the letter so that his friend cannot hear what he is
reading.......
Santa Singh is at the railway station. He asks a man "When will
Rajdhani Express go from here?"Man Replies 12.30."When will Deccan Queen go from here?"Man Replies 11.30."When will Punjab Express go from here?"Man Replies 10.30.Santa singh goes on asking about all the trains.Now the man gets fed up and asks whether he wants to go to punjab by
train or not.Santa replies, "No I just want to cross the tracks!"
Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He had to get off on station
that came up at 4 am. He asked the guy sitting opposite him on the
train to wake him up at 4 am and gave him Rs 20 to do so. This guy was
a barber, and felt that for Rs 20 the passenger deserved more service.
So, when he fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off is beard!When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home.
Reaching home he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he
saw the mirror. His wife said, " What's the matter?" He replied, "The
cheat on the train has taken Rs 20 from me and has woken up someone
else!!!"
Banta Singh went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked
"Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"Yes of course, said the doctor, why not!"Oh How nice it would be I have been illiterate for so long" replied
Banta with joy.
The sardarni asked his lover, Santa Singh, "Santa darling, if we get
engaged will you give me a ring?". "Sure", said Santa, "what’s your
phone number?"
Once one sardar and one pathan were traveling in one train. Sardar was
trying to open his suitcase to take out his night dress, but he was
unable to open it. Pathan came and opened the suitcase and said "
Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" and went off .After an hour sardar was busy in opening his lunch box, but he could
not open it. Pathan came, opened the box and said "Pathan Sher ka
bachcha hai" and went off .After some time sardar was trying to open the door of the toilet but he
could not. Again Pathan came and opened it with one kick and said "
Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai"This time sardar became angry he asked pathan "oye muzhe ek gal bata,
teri ma jungle gayi thi ya sher tere ghar aaya tha?" and went off
Three men - an American, a Japanese and Banta Singh were sitting in the
sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his
forearm and the beep stoped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my
arm."A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his
ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a
microchip in my hand." Banta felt decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he had to
do something just as impressive. He steped out of the sauna and went to
toilet. He returns with a piece of 'Toilet paper' hanging from his
butt. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"
"I'm getting a fax," he explains.
Santa Singh went to kashmir officially and called to his house over
phone.Sardar had taken the receiver.Santa Singh : Who is speaking?Sardar : Servant Sir.Santa Singh : Where is the Madam?Sardar : She is sleeping with her husband in bedroom.Santa Singh : What? I am her husband came to Kashmir today.Sardar : What can I do now sir?Santa Singh : Open the cub board, pick the Gun, shoot both of them,
come back and tell me, till then I am waiting in the line.After some time ... there comes 2 shooting sounds ... after that ...Sardar : Yes, I did Sir. But what can i do next Sir?Santa Singh : Open the back door, throw both of them into the swimming
poolSardar : There is no swimming pool in our house SirSanta Singh : What...? No swimming pool?Sardar : Yes SirSanta Singh : Sorry, wrong number !!!!!!!!
A sardar can be so stupid that: -He puts make up on his head so he can make up his mindHe gets stabbed in a shoot outHe sends a fax with a stamp on itHe tries to drown a fish He tries to push a bird of a cliffHe thinks socialism means partyingHe trips over a cordless phoneHe takes a ruler to bed to see how long it sleepsHe puts Sagittarius in the box for 'sign here' on the application formHe studies for a blood test and failsHe sells the car for gas moneyHe misses the 44 bus and takes the 22 twiceHe drives to the airport and sees a sign that said 'Airport Left' turns
around and goes homeHe gets locked in a furniture shop and sleeps on the floorHe calls you to get your phone numberHe spends 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
concentrateHe tells you to meet at the corner of 'Walk' and “Don’t Walk”He tries to put M&M’s in alphabetical orderHe sits on the TV and watches the couchHe thinks that a quarterback was a refundHe gets locked in a grocery store and starves to deathHe would give you change when u gave him a penny for his thoughtsThey had to burn down the school to get him out of third gradeHe puts 'Hooked on Phonics' under education on the application formHe takes 2 hours to watch 60 minutesHe would be speechless if he spoke his mindHe thinks that Boyz II men was a day-care centreHe thinks that Meow Mix was a record for catsHe ask for a price check at the dollar storeHe thinks you need a token to get on Soul trainHe went home and got 16 friends when he saw the NC-17 (under 17 not
admitted)He moved when he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the homeHe thinks that Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.He laughs at a joke on Saturday when he was told it on the Wednesday.
A sardar had arrived early at the stadium for the first cricket game of
the series between local rival teams only to realize that he had left
his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning,he went
to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an
hour's wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called
out, "Hey, Balbir!" He looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the the person.
Then he realized he had lost his place in the line, and had to go back
to the end of the line and wait all over again. After he had purchased
his ticket, he was thirsty, so he went to buy a coke.The line at the
concession stand was also very long, but since the game hadn't started
he decided to wait.Just as he got to the window, a voice called out
"Hey, Balbir!"Again He got out of line as he wandered looking for that person.But no
luck. He was very upset as he got back in line for his coke. Finally,
he had his coke and took his seat, eager for the game to begin.As he
waited for the first pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey, Balbir!"
once moreHe stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name isn't Balbir!"
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says,
"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other
day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't
mine."His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the
plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't
mine."Santa says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both
his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The
other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Santa Singh: "My doctor told me to drink carrot juice after a hot bath
to cure my cold."Banta Singh: "Does it work?"Santa Singh: "I don't know... I can never finish drinking the hot
bath." There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business.They
had a lot of discussions on the type of business and finally decided to
start a hotel. They selected the best of locations and cooks and built
the hotel. The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its first
customer. The sardars waited and waited but nobody turned up. The story
was the same the next day. A week passed but noboby turned up. WHY? Bcos there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed"
After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage.
They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the
garage. The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive but
no car entered their garage. They waited for one day, 2 days ,a week
but no car came to their garage. WHY? B'cos their garage was on the first floor.
After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi
driving. They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to
look for passengers. They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed their
taxi. They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi. They
drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed their
taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but alas no
one hailed their taxi. WHY ? B'cos all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi.
All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb and decided to
push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing
their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the
taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for the night and
start the next day. The next day the story repeated itself. The taxi
just wouldnt move. They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldnt
budge. WHY?
B'cos two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind.
Santa and a friend are sitting in a cinema. Just before the break they
see a cactus and in some distance a cowboy. During the break the friend
says to santa:"I bet the cowboy will ride into the cactus."Santa answers: "I do not believe that." They agree that the loser invites the winner to a bottle of wine after
the film. It turns out that the friend wins. So after the film they
drink together the bottle of wine in a restaurant near the cinema.Then the friend says: "I must confess that the bet was not fair. I saw
the film for the second time."Then Santa replies: "And I saw it for the fourth time, but I did not
think that this fool rides into the cactus again."
Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we
had to spend sleepless nights. A Surd was also experiencing the same
every time he tries to sleep, one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep
with a sound "guooonn, guooonn." He gets very irritated. He tries to
cover his ear but the problem remains persistent. Ultimately he gets up
and catches the mosquito in his hand. He is very kind and not going for
the blood shed still wanted to take revenge.Happy as he is now starts singing a lullaby and says "so ja machchar,
bete so ja (Go to sleep, O dear mosquito, go to sleep)". After some
time he finds the mosquito falling in to deep sleep in his hands. So he
goes near it and says "guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."
One day there was a Bihari going in a Fiat Car at 45KMPH on a highway
and enjoying his drive.Suddenly a Sardaji came Booiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn on a Honda and peeped into
the car and shouted at the Bihari - "Kabhi honda chalaya kya?" and sped
off, The Bihari was surprised but he did not bother. After some time
the Surd came Booiiiinnnnnnnnnnn... in the opposite direction, peeped
into the car and shouted again "kabhi honda chalaya kya?" and sped off
, This time the Bihari was annoyed , since the surd was teasing about
his driving.After some time again the Surd came back speeding and said the same
thing peeping into the car. The Bihari was about to say something but
the Surd goes off. This time the Bihari increased his speed but
suddenly stopped as he found the Surd lying on the road, bleeding. He
got down and mocked at the Surd "Kyon Surd , Kabhi Honda chalaye kya?"
The Surd said "Wohi to puch raha tha, Mein Brakes ko dhoond rahatha."
A surd wants to somehow get a doctorate. One of his friend advises him
to do research in zoology. So the surd decides to do his research in
zoology, that too with a Frog. He first keeps the frog on a table and
asks it to jump. It jumps.Now he cuts one of its legs and keeps it over the table. Again he asks
it to jump. Again frog jumps.Getting boosted by this development, now he cuts another leg and asks
the frog to jump. The frog jumps again.Getting wondered about it, now he cuts the third leg and again asks it
to jump. The frog jumps.Now he could not control the suspense and cuts the fourth leg and ask
the frog to jump. It doesn't. Immediately the surd writes in his thesis
"If you cut all the four legs of a frog, it will become deaf."
A Surd prime minister visited the president of the neighbouring country
and complained about all this jokes about surds that others tell each
other. "This leads to the impression that all surds are stupid", he
said. "You should not take this so earnestly",answered the neighbouring
minister, "These are only jokes and not true stories. And there are
also stupid people in our country. I will prove it to you."Saying so, he went to his driver and said: "Please drive to my home and
find out, whether I am at home." The driver immediately went on his
way.The surd prime minister was satisfied: "He is very stupid indeed. There
is a public phone just at the corner. It would have been easier to call
and check!"
A Sardarji, very proud of his humour used to tell his wife while
leaving for the office: “Good bye Char Bacchon ki Maa.”One day his wife fed up of this, answered: “Bye Bye, Doo Bacchon Ke
Baap.”That ended the husband's jokes.
Banta started to explain his Adventure. He had gone to a remote village
on some work and due to his high level of intelligence, couldn't finish
the work on time. He had missed the last bus from that place. He
couldn't find any Hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the
owner whether he can stay there for the night.The Owner replied "I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow
you to stay."He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for
the night. The Owner replied,"I have 3 grown up daughters.Sorry, I can't allow you
to stay."He went towards the next house and without taking any risks,asked, "Do
you have grown up daughters?"The Owner asked,"WHY?????????"Banta replied, "I wanted to stay here for a night ....."
SantaSingh got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone."Is this one one one one?", says the voice. "No, this is eleven
eleven.""Are you sure it isn't one one one one?""No, this is eleven eleven.""Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the
night.""That's all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone
anyway."
A sardarji with a big bandage in his left hand told his friend (not a
sardar) that his hand was caught in the machine in the factory."oh!" exclaimed the friend and said "If it had happened to the right
hand you would have suffered triple than this""I am not a fool" said the sardar. "First the position was that only my
right was about to get caught...I instantly pulled it out and gave my
left hand inside"
A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust
and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he
decides to ask Bhagwan for help.He goes into the temple and begins to pray..........."Oh Bhagwan,
please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money,
I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lottery"Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.The Sardarji goes back to the temple................"Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as well" "Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!Back to the temple.................."My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house,
my car and my wife and children are starving.. I don't often ask you
for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you
just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in
order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and
the Sardarji is confronted by the voice of Lord:"SARDARJI, BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST"
A sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to
wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes
running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?"To this sardarji replies, "oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai,
Wash Basin"
may be seen on other sites also!!!
Santa Singh was traveling by train without a ticket. When he saw the
T.C (Banta singh) coming he thought of an excuse which he had heard
from other people, that is, ministers can travel free. So when Banta
came and asked Santa for his ticket, he said ‘Oye! asi minister’ (I'm a
minister). Banta asked him ‘Oye! tusi kade Minister’ (which minister).
Santa couldn’t think of any minister except Mrs. Indira Gandhi, so he
said ‘Oy! asi Indira Gandhi’. Immediately Banta caught Santa's feet for
blessing and said ‘Oye! asi bauth sunya, Oye! asi bauth padya, aaj dhek
leya’(I heard a lot about you, I read a lot about you and my luck, I
saw you today).
One day, Banta goes to the clinic, and he finds his friend Santa
crying.Banta: Santa, Why are you crying?Santa: The doctors are going to take my blood test by cutting my
finger.After hearing this Banta also starts crying.Santa: Banta, why are you crying?Banta: I'm here for urine test!
One day, Banta, along with his two friends, one being Polish and the
other being an American go to the police station to get jobs as cops.
However, they would have to answer only one question. The Polish person
goes into the room.Detective: Who killed Jesus?Polish: The Catholics.Detective: Good answer. In an hour or so, we'll tell you if you got the
job.The American goes next.Detective: Who killed Jesus?American: The Jews.Detective: Good answer. In an hour or so, we'll tell you if you got the
job.Banta is next.Detective: Who killed Jesus?Banta: You have to give me more time. Can I tell you tomorrow?Detective: Sure, take as much time as you want.Banta then goes home and he finds his wife making dinner.Wife: How did your interview go, sweetheart.Banta: It went very well. I'm on my very first murder case.
Santa Singh and Banta Singh were sitting on a tree and Santa Singh was
singing a song.After 4 songs Santa Singh hung himself upside down and
started singing again.Banta Singh : Santa Singh, what is the matter with you? Why are you
hanging upside down?Santa Singh : I am singing the B side.
Santa, Banta, and one of their friends, Munnabhai, were stranded on an
uninhabited island. The only way back home was to swim 100 miles to the
next island, which was inhabited. Munnabhai was so determined to get
home that he tried to swim. He swam upto 50 miles, got tired, and
drowned. Then Banta tried. He swam upto 75 miles, but got tired and
drowned, too. Santa thought he could make it all the way, so he started
swimming. He swam 50 miles, but started getting tired, so he swam all
the way back to the island.
Santasigh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every
thing except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, one of
his non-sardar friends came home.Friend: Santasighji How is your MBA preparation?SantaSingh: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.Friend: Logic is very easy.Santasigh: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.Friend: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?Santa: YES.Friend: Logically, there will be water in it.Santa: YES.Friend: Logically, there will be fish in it.Santa: YES.Friend: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.Santa: YES.Friend: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.Santa: YES.Friend: so, logically, your are married.Santa: YES.Friend: So, that means you are a heterosexual.Santasigh was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees
Bantasingh and he was also preparing for MBA.Santa: How is your MBA preparation?Banta: Everything is fine except for the logic.Santa: Oh, logic is easy.Banta: Please, give me an example.Santa: Do you have a fish pot in your house?Banta: NO, I don't.Santa: Saala HOMO!!!
One fine day a girl proposed to a sardar and the sardar denied simply
saying that in our family we marry only our relatives my mom married my
dad, my brother married my bhabhi, my uncle married my aunt and so on.
so please excuse me !!!!!
Once Santa Singh was filling up an application form for a job. He
promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then he came
to the column SEX. He was not sure as to what was to be filled there.
After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK. On seeing this in his
application form, he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it
to be filled was either MALE or FEMALE. Again Santa thought for a long
time before coming up with an answer PREFERABLY FEMALES.
Once a sardarji receives a love letter from his beloved. Being an
illeterate he cannot read the letter. So keeping that letter for him
for weeks,months and years he thought how to read the letter. He
thought and thought and thought and this sardarji being a little
intelligent fellow finally he got an idea that he can go with that
letter to his friend and ask his friend to read that letter for him. So
he made all the plans to reach his friend. Finally he reached his
friend's house on one fine morning and he explains all the story, but
still he does not want his friend to know what that letter contains(the
letter being very personal and meant for only to the sardarji), so
again he thought and thought and thought for one week and finally he
got an idea.......So this was the situation what our GREAT FRIEND
SARDARJI was in...can u just guess what he is going to do with his
final idea....?????(Ans): He just closes his friend's EARS while his friend is going to
read the letter so that his friend cannot hear what he is
reading.......
Santa Singh is at the railway station. He asks a man "When will
Rajdhani Express go from here?"Man Replies 12.30."When will Deccan Queen go from here?"Man Replies 11.30."When will Punjab Express go from here?"Man Replies 10.30.Santa singh goes on asking about all the trains.Now the man gets fed up and asks whether he wants to go to punjab by
train or not.Santa replies, "No I just want to cross the tracks!"
Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He had to get off on station
that came up at 4 am. He asked the guy sitting opposite him on the
train to wake him up at 4 am and gave him Rs 20 to do so. This guy was
a barber, and felt that for Rs 20 the passenger deserved more service.
So, when he fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off is beard!When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home.
Reaching home he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he
saw the mirror. His wife said, " What's the matter?" He replied, "The
cheat on the train has taken Rs 20 from me and has woken up someone
else!!!"
Banta Singh went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked
"Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"Yes of course, said the doctor, why not!"Oh How nice it would be I have been illiterate for so long" replied
Banta with joy.
The sardarni asked his lover, Santa Singh, "Santa darling, if we get
engaged will you give me a ring?". "Sure", said Santa, "what’s your
phone number?"
Once one sardar and one pathan were traveling in one train. Sardar was
trying to open his suitcase to take out his night dress, but he was
unable to open it. Pathan came and opened the suitcase and said "
Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai" and went off .After an hour sardar was busy in opening his lunch box, but he could
not open it. Pathan came, opened the box and said "Pathan Sher ka
bachcha hai" and went off .After some time sardar was trying to open the door of the toilet but he
could not. Again Pathan came and opened it with one kick and said "
Pathan Sher ka bachcha hai"This time sardar became angry he asked pathan "oye muzhe ek gal bata,
teri ma jungle gayi thi ya sher tere ghar aaya tha?" and went off
Three men - an American, a Japanese and Banta Singh were sitting in the
sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his
forearm and the beep stoped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my
arm."A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his
ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a
microchip in my hand." Banta felt decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he had to
do something just as impressive. He steped out of the sauna and went to
toilet. He returns with a piece of 'Toilet paper' hanging from his
butt. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"
"I'm getting a fax," he explains.
Santa Singh went to kashmir officially and called to his house over
phone.Sardar had taken the receiver.Santa Singh : Who is speaking?Sardar : Servant Sir.Santa Singh : Where is the Madam?Sardar : She is sleeping with her husband in bedroom.Santa Singh : What? I am her husband came to Kashmir today.Sardar : What can I do now sir?Santa Singh : Open the cub board, pick the Gun, shoot both of them,
come back and tell me, till then I am waiting in the line.After some time ... there comes 2 shooting sounds ... after that ...Sardar : Yes, I did Sir. But what can i do next Sir?Santa Singh : Open the back door, throw both of them into the swimming
poolSardar : There is no swimming pool in our house SirSanta Singh : What...? No swimming pool?Sardar : Yes SirSanta Singh : Sorry, wrong number !!!!!!!!
A sardar can be so stupid that: -He puts make up on his head so he can make up his mindHe gets stabbed in a shoot outHe sends a fax with a stamp on itHe tries to drown a fish He tries to push a bird of a cliffHe thinks socialism means partyingHe trips over a cordless phoneHe takes a ruler to bed to see how long it sleepsHe puts Sagittarius in the box for 'sign here' on the application formHe studies for a blood test and failsHe sells the car for gas moneyHe misses the 44 bus and takes the 22 twiceHe drives to the airport and sees a sign that said 'Airport Left' turns
around and goes homeHe gets locked in a furniture shop and sleeps on the floorHe calls you to get your phone numberHe spends 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
concentrateHe tells you to meet at the corner of 'Walk' and “Don’t Walk”He tries to put M&M’s in alphabetical orderHe sits on the TV and watches the couchHe thinks that a quarterback was a refundHe gets locked in a grocery store and starves to deathHe would give you change when u gave him a penny for his thoughtsThey had to burn down the school to get him out of third gradeHe puts 'Hooked on Phonics' under education on the application formHe takes 2 hours to watch 60 minutesHe would be speechless if he spoke his mindHe thinks that Boyz II men was a day-care centreHe thinks that Meow Mix was a record for catsHe ask for a price check at the dollar storeHe thinks you need a token to get on Soul trainHe went home and got 16 friends when he saw the NC-17 (under 17 not
admitted)He moved when he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the homeHe thinks that Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.He laughs at a joke on Saturday when he was told it on the Wednesday.
A sardar had arrived early at the stadium for the first cricket game of
the series between local rival teams only to realize that he had left
his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning,he went
to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an
hour's wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called
out, "Hey, Balbir!" He looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the the person.
Then he realized he had lost his place in the line, and had to go back
to the end of the line and wait all over again. After he had purchased
his ticket, he was thirsty, so he went to buy a coke.The line at the
concession stand was also very long, but since the game hadn't started
he decided to wait.Just as he got to the window, a voice called out
"Hey, Balbir!"Again He got out of line as he wandered looking for that person.But no
luck. He was very upset as he got back in line for his coke. Finally,
he had his coke and took his seat, eager for the game to begin.As he
waited for the first pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey, Balbir!"
once moreHe stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name isn't Balbir!"
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says,
"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other
day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't
mine."His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the
plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't
mine."Santa says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both
his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The
other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Santa Singh: "My doctor told me to drink carrot juice after a hot bath
to cure my cold."Banta Singh: "Does it work?"Santa Singh: "I don't know... I can never finish drinking the hot
bath." There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business.They
had a lot of discussions on the type of business and finally decided to
start a hotel. They selected the best of locations and cooks and built
the hotel. The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its first
customer. The sardars waited and waited but nobody turned up. The story
was the same the next day. A week passed but noboby turned up. WHY? Bcos there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed"
After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage.
They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the
garage. The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive but
no car entered their garage. They waited for one day, 2 days ,a week
but no car came to their garage. WHY? B'cos their garage was on the first floor.
After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi
driving. They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to
look for passengers. They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed their
taxi. They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi. They
drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed their
taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but alas no
one hailed their taxi. WHY ? B'cos all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi.
All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb and decided to
push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing
their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the
taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for the night and
start the next day. The next day the story repeated itself. The taxi
just wouldnt move. They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldnt
budge. WHY?
B'cos two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind.
Santa and a friend are sitting in a cinema. Just before the break they
see a cactus and in some distance a cowboy. During the break the friend
says to santa:"I bet the cowboy will ride into the cactus."Santa answers: "I do not believe that." They agree that the loser invites the winner to a bottle of wine after
the film. It turns out that the friend wins. So after the film they
drink together the bottle of wine in a restaurant near the cinema.Then the friend says: "I must confess that the bet was not fair. I saw
the film for the second time."Then Santa replies: "And I saw it for the fourth time, but I did not
think that this fool rides into the cactus again."
Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we
had to spend sleepless nights. A Surd was also experiencing the same
every time he tries to sleep, one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep
with a sound "guooonn, guooonn." He gets very irritated. He tries to
cover his ear but the problem remains persistent. Ultimately he gets up
and catches the mosquito in his hand. He is very kind and not going for
the blood shed still wanted to take revenge.Happy as he is now starts singing a lullaby and says "so ja machchar,
bete so ja (Go to sleep, O dear mosquito, go to sleep)". After some
time he finds the mosquito falling in to deep sleep in his hands. So he
goes near it and says "guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."
One day there was a Bihari going in a Fiat Car at 45KMPH on a highway
and enjoying his drive.Suddenly a Sardaji came Booiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn on a Honda and peeped into
the car and shouted at the Bihari - "Kabhi honda chalaya kya?" and sped
off, The Bihari was surprised but he did not bother. After some time
the Surd came Booiiiinnnnnnnnnnn... in the opposite direction, peeped
into the car and shouted again "kabhi honda chalaya kya?" and sped off
, This time the Bihari was annoyed , since the surd was teasing about
his driving.After some time again the Surd came back speeding and said the same
thing peeping into the car. The Bihari was about to say something but
the Surd goes off. This time the Bihari increased his speed but
suddenly stopped as he found the Surd lying on the road, bleeding. He
got down and mocked at the Surd "Kyon Surd , Kabhi Honda chalaye kya?"
The Surd said "Wohi to puch raha tha, Mein Brakes ko dhoond rahatha."
A surd wants to somehow get a doctorate. One of his friend advises him
to do research in zoology. So the surd decides to do his research in
zoology, that too with a Frog. He first keeps the frog on a table and
asks it to jump. It jumps.Now he cuts one of its legs and keeps it over the table. Again he asks
it to jump. Again frog jumps.Getting boosted by this development, now he cuts another leg and asks
the frog to jump. The frog jumps again.Getting wondered about it, now he cuts the third leg and again asks it
to jump. The frog jumps.Now he could not control the suspense and cuts the fourth leg and ask
the frog to jump. It doesn't. Immediately the surd writes in his thesis
"If you cut all the four legs of a frog, it will become deaf."
A Surd prime minister visited the president of the neighbouring country
and complained about all this jokes about surds that others tell each
other. "This leads to the impression that all surds are stupid", he
said. "You should not take this so earnestly",answered the neighbouring
minister, "These are only jokes and not true stories. And there are
also stupid people in our country. I will prove it to you."Saying so, he went to his driver and said: "Please drive to my home and
find out, whether I am at home." The driver immediately went on his
way.The surd prime minister was satisfied: "He is very stupid indeed. There
is a public phone just at the corner. It would have been easier to call
and check!"
A Sardarji, very proud of his humour used to tell his wife while
leaving for the office: “Good bye Char Bacchon ki Maa.”One day his wife fed up of this, answered: “Bye Bye, Doo Bacchon Ke
Baap.”That ended the husband's jokes.
Banta started to explain his Adventure. He had gone to a remote village
on some work and due to his high level of intelligence, couldn't finish
the work on time. He had missed the last bus from that place. He
couldn't find any Hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the
owner whether he can stay there for the night.The Owner replied "I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow
you to stay."He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for
the night. The Owner replied,"I have 3 grown up daughters.Sorry, I can't allow you
to stay."He went towards the next house and without taking any risks,asked, "Do
you have grown up daughters?"The Owner asked,"WHY?????????"Banta replied, "I wanted to stay here for a night ....."
SantaSingh got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone."Is this one one one one?", says the voice. "No, this is eleven
eleven.""Are you sure it isn't one one one one?""No, this is eleven eleven.""Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the
night.""That's all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone
anyway."
A sardarji with a big bandage in his left hand told his friend (not a
sardar) that his hand was caught in the machine in the factory."oh!" exclaimed the friend and said "If it had happened to the right
hand you would have suffered triple than this""I am not a fool" said the sardar. "First the position was that only my
right was about to get caught...I instantly pulled it out and gave my
left hand inside"
A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust
and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he
decides to ask Bhagwan for help.He goes into the temple and begins to pray..........."Oh Bhagwan,
please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money,
I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lottery"Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.The Sardarji goes back to the temple................"Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as well" "Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!Back to the temple.................."My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house,
my car and my wife and children are starving.. I don't often ask you
for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you
just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in
order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and
the Sardarji is confronted by the voice of Lord:"SARDARJI, BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST"
A sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to
wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes
running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?"To this sardarji replies, "oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai,
Wash Basin"
Monday, September 10, 2007
Are you a Malayalee?
You might be a Malayali..........
If you can fit four passengers in the front seat of an Ambassador taxi, while in the back there are eight passengers and two children with their heads stuck out of the window, chances are, you are a Mallu going to attend your cousin's wedding.
If you can run, ride a 100 cc motorbike without wearing a helmet, and playfootball, all while wearing a lungi tied halfmast, Malayali status!
If your late father left you a part of an old house as your inheritance, and you turned it into a "chaya kada" yes you're a Malayali.
If you have more than 5 relatives working in Gulf, Big Time Malayali..
If you have the words "Chinchu Mol + Jinchu Mol" written on the rear window of your Omni car, Yes, You ARE a Malaayli.
If you refer to your husband as kettiyon; ithiyan, pillerude appan, guess what? You're a Central Travancore Syrian Christian Malayali.
If you have a tamilian parked in front of your house every Sunday, ironing your clothes, chances are a you are a Middle Class Malayali.
If you have more than three employee trade unions at your place of work then ask no further, you are indeed a Malayali.
If you have voted into power a Chief Minister who has not passed the 4th grade then ask no further, YOU ARE A MALAYALI.
If you have at least two relatives working in the US in the health industry , Yes! Malayali!
If you religiously buy a lottery ticket every week, then You're in the Malayali Zone!
If you describe a woman as "charrakku" Yep! Malayali.!
If you constantly refer to banana as "benana" or pizza as "pissa" you're a Malayali..
If you use coconut oil instead of refined vegetable oil and can't figure out why people in your family have congenital heart problems, you might be a Malayali.
If you are going out to see a movie at the local theater with your wifey wearing all the gold jewellery gifted to her by her parents, you are a newly married Malayali..
If you and your wife and three children dress up in your Sunday best and go out to have biriyani at Kayikka's on a 100 cc Bajaj mobike, you an upwardly mobile Malayali from Cochin.
If your idea of haute cuisine is kappa and meen curry, then, yes, you are a Malayali..
If you have beef puttu for breakfast, beef olathu for lunch, and beef curry with "borotta" for dinner, yeah, definitely Malalyali.
If your name Wilson, and your wife's name is Baby, and you name your daughter Wilby, have no doubts at all , you are a standard Malayali.
If most of the houses on your block are painted puke yellow, fluorescent green, and bright pink, definitely Malappuram Malayali.
If you tie a towel around your head and burst into a raucous rendition of the song "Kuttanadn Punjayile" after having three glasses of toddy, then you are a hardcore Malayali.
If you call appetizers served with alcoholic beverages as "touchings" then you are one helluva Malayali.
If the local toddy shop owner knows you by your pet name and you call him "Porinju Chetta" then you are true Malayali.
If you're sick and your wifey rubs "Bicks" into your nostrils and gives you "kurumulaku rasam" with chakkara, (grandma's recipe) to help relieve your symptoms, Damn!! You're Malayali.
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